Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Jobson Jobsworth’s CV and Covering Letter

Jobson Jobsworth sent his CV and covering letter to genuine job vacancies all around the UK. Most employers took Jobson's application in the spirit in which it was sent, however, some people were angry at having their important work interrupted by an idiot.
Jobson did manage to get some job offers, although most of those were newly created imaginary positions involving imaginary duties in imaginary offices in imaginary worlds. Still, a job's a job.

Dear Miss Partridge-Kensington,
RE: Job Vacancy Ref: PQ429/T093-62HYK.01:WQBX-D4G8-V67/3Z.5
Thank you for not immediately deleting my application for the above vacancy in your company. Please find attached my CV for your expert perusal when you can tear yourself away from Facebook.
As you can see from my CV, I am currently one of the Government's most experienced jobseekers, with twenty-five years of high quality job searching under my belt.
I would really like to work for your company as (think of some rubbish to put here - don't forget!). My minimum salary requirements are £77K per annum, which would enable me to return to a 'man about town' way of life, which I find rather suits my carefree gait. My current salary is approximately £3K which currently correlates to a way of life similar to a'man about town only on very, very special occasions.'
I am available for interview at any time, apart from Thursdays which is my lie-in day. Can you tell me the dress code please? I'm unsure if I should wear my suit as it has one leg missing from an accident involving climbing over a wire fence. What is your company policy on interviewees with only one trouser leg? Would the lack of one trouser leg adversely affect my chances?
I am willing to commute to work but please note my car is not very reliable as it has an increasingly worrying range of problems. The latest issue is that it sometimes randomly changes into reverse gear, which is both dangerous and embarrassing, especially on motorways. I apologise in advance for arriving late every day.
Not that I wish to be presumptuous but for my 'welcome to the company' gift, I would like to receive a three litre bottle of single malt whisky, preferably Glenbenloch. That would be a very kind gesture on your part, and would also help me through my first day.
Should you require any further information, or wish to discuss my application further, or even if you just want to talk about badgers, please do not hesitate to contact me. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,

Jobson Jobsworth xxx
PS - I apologise profusely if your name is not Miss Partridge-Kensington. It was just a guess, to be honest, as I didn't have time to check your actual name as I was busy trying to beat the world record time for staring at yourself in the mirror without smiling. I thought Miss Partridge-Kensington was as good a guess as any. I almost went with Mrs Ethel Williamson-Parkinson-Tomlinson or Mr Crumbleton McJefferey, so I'll be kicking myself if either of those were right.
PPS - I am aware that kisses are nonstandard for a job application, but I am highlighting my risk-taking attitude by, er, taking risks. I did also consider ThIs KiNd Of WrTiNg for my application to show the quirky and playful side of my personality, coupled with each letter being a different colour, to show my support of multi-racial, multi-religious and multi-cultural harmony, but I was advised against it. Hence, I've gone with the kisses, which incidentally, I was also advised against.
PPPS - If you are male then please ignore the kisses. However, if you are female then please blush with excitement as I am also looking for a girlfriend as well as a job. Please send me details of your loveliness and I will assess your application ASAP. If you do not hear anything within six weeks of submission then please assume your application was unsuccessful. Currently there is only one vacancy for this role, however, if the quality of candidates are high, I will consider creating further vacancies by becoming a Mormon.

Jobson Jobsworth’s CV

Personal Profile

I offer a mature and responsible attitude towards working, together with an adaptable approach, which means I can be immature and irresponsible whenever necessary.
My attention to                 detail is exceptional and my speeling is second to none. I can work effectively under pressure, up to a g-force of 24.

Career Development

Door-to-Door Inventor - Travelled door-to-door and requested which products people required and invented them on the spot. Yes, on the spot. My most notable invention was self-blowing bubble gum, invented at the request of local idiot, Timmy. Little Timmy could never manage to blow bubbles and was ridiculed about this even by people with no mouths; but my new self-blowing bubble gum had the potential to transform Timmy's life as bubbles are 'blown' automatically once moisture is added. However, my invention was severely criticized by the local media after Timmy accidentally swallowed his bubble gum and tragically died after his insides were clogged up with ever-expanding bubble gum. I was very upset about this, because Timmy ruined my chances of selling my product and making a fortune. However, I've forgiven little Timmy, which I feel highlights the mature and responsible side to my character.

For the rest of Jobson Jobsworth's CV go to the We Are All Badgers website here!